My Report Card
By Anthony Douglas Gere
I guess like many people, I look back on school as an learning experience that is gone but
will never leave me as long as I live to die. It was a time that I more than likely remember
as something that really wasn't exactly how it was, and is what I wanted it to be to fit
my needs at the time. To this day I still accurately remember the voices and faces of most
of my teachers, coaches and many of the students in a light that shines brighter each day,
while smiling on how good of a job I did at concealing the little bit of bad I did to be what
I am today and hopefully tomorrow as each night becomes dim. I went to a very gifted
school in my teens, and though it was a private school in a public setting, we did not feel
privileged with the unique situation and viewed it as the standard of America scholastics.
Now in my years there, I befriended many soon to be high level actors, doctors, athletes
and entertainers, as I also did future drug addicts, dealers and culprits of commercial
cool. But seeing how each of us was doing what we did to the best of our ability at that
time in a innocent way, it was nothing to gain press and notoriety because we were all just
trying to one up each other to have bragging rights in the hallway or on the school lawn at
lunch to pass the time that we somehow thought would last forever. This in my opinion
was fun and important because it passed the time and formed a bond within all of us that
now separates us from the norm. What we didn't realize is that we now operate on a level
that is both challenging and never ending within ourselves, and the angels that
once sang like the class room bell, now screams like a demon craving for more evil inside
each of our heads that is not heard by the masses. My class reunion was great, many if
not all of the students were now professionals, looking and more important feeling better
with the materialistic symbols to back it up, and trading stories and life experiences like
stocks or baseballs cards at an trade show to once again, pass the time and one up
each other. But what I found like many of my peers found at this gathering is that we were
missing something besides the obvious. Something that those that don't know can't
define. Things that many want but can't find the need to gather. We were missing each
other and the times that we never knew we had, and wanting to fix what was not visibly
broken but sealed in a way that can never be opened. What we realized is that we are
still in school in many ways, and the lessons never end.
Now looking back at it all now, I see how my perception has changed and how what
once seemed cool and hip, is now stupid or should I say, not to my liking. I remember
when I was studying hard in class, going to basketball practice, attending student
government meetings and walking my then girlfriend to class, I would see some of the
other students smoking, cutting class and chasing more skirts than my sister at a
fashion show. They seemed to have it all figured out, and was not tied down to
anything and free to roam the earth as they see fit. The sexy little cheerleaders and
super hot "cool" chicks that yeah wanted to do me because I was the man on campus,
and was destined for a successful living and life in some arena, left notes in my
locker and screamed at all of the games, but for some reason, maybe time and or my
detailed schedule, never allowed me to take them up on their offer which at the
time, made me look weak or boring to some. So now after graduating and
going to college out of state, succeeding and establishing myself in other circles I
start grading myself on my daily failures and accomplishments. I did this to learn
and remind myself on who I am and want to be after understanding who I was
before the daily grade. But now what really became hard in this self judgment,
justifying bias opinion of myself in rating myself, was being myself. Because being
me was more like a job and we all know, business and pleasure don't mix, but there
was no one else I trusted to judge. You see what I knew about me that no one else
did was me, and because I knew what was going on in my head, and though
someone else may not have known and I may have failed them in some way or
another, I could give myself a better grade based on my power of um, personal
persuasion, which isn't fair, but then again this is not love or war. Just life.
So here I am, rich, somewhat famous and enjoying the smell of my own sweat, trying to
be what others can not and loving it. I was so full of myself that I could have cloned a
couple more me's and did more damage, but I couldn't bare the thought of sharing. But
what was happening was that I was destroying the old me. The me that built a empire to
be proud of, and not I was allowing this item to dictate who I am, not was or really
wanted to be. It wasn't a plan or completely thought out, but the blueprint was created, I
had become and fell in love with my own monster, myself, and didn't know what to do. I
kept gaining things to only lose them, to work even harder to get them back again, just
because.
By Anthony Douglas Gere
I guess like many people, I look back on school as an learning experience that is gone but
will never leave me as long as I live to die. It was a time that I more than likely remember
as something that really wasn't exactly how it was, and is what I wanted it to be to fit
my needs at the time. To this day I still accurately remember the voices and faces of most
of my teachers, coaches and many of the students in a light that shines brighter each day,
while smiling on how good of a job I did at concealing the little bit of bad I did to be what
I am today and hopefully tomorrow as each night becomes dim. I went to a very gifted
school in my teens, and though it was a private school in a public setting, we did not feel
privileged with the unique situation and viewed it as the standard of America scholastics.
Now in my years there, I befriended many soon to be high level actors, doctors, athletes
and entertainers, as I also did future drug addicts, dealers and culprits of commercial
cool. But seeing how each of us was doing what we did to the best of our ability at that
time in a innocent way, it was nothing to gain press and notoriety because we were all just
trying to one up each other to have bragging rights in the hallway or on the school lawn at
lunch to pass the time that we somehow thought would last forever. This in my opinion
was fun and important because it passed the time and formed a bond within all of us that
now separates us from the norm. What we didn't realize is that we now operate on a level
that is both challenging and never ending within ourselves, and the angels that
once sang like the class room bell, now screams like a demon craving for more evil inside
each of our heads that is not heard by the masses. My class reunion was great, many if
not all of the students were now professionals, looking and more important feeling better
with the materialistic symbols to back it up, and trading stories and life experiences like
stocks or baseballs cards at an trade show to once again, pass the time and one up
each other. But what I found like many of my peers found at this gathering is that we were
missing something besides the obvious. Something that those that don't know can't
define. Things that many want but can't find the need to gather. We were missing each
other and the times that we never knew we had, and wanting to fix what was not visibly
broken but sealed in a way that can never be opened. What we realized is that we are
still in school in many ways, and the lessons never end.
Now looking back at it all now, I see how my perception has changed and how what
once seemed cool and hip, is now stupid or should I say, not to my liking. I remember
when I was studying hard in class, going to basketball practice, attending student
government meetings and walking my then girlfriend to class, I would see some of the
other students smoking, cutting class and chasing more skirts than my sister at a
fashion show. They seemed to have it all figured out, and was not tied down to
anything and free to roam the earth as they see fit. The sexy little cheerleaders and
super hot "cool" chicks that yeah wanted to do me because I was the man on campus,
and was destined for a successful living and life in some arena, left notes in my
locker and screamed at all of the games, but for some reason, maybe time and or my
detailed schedule, never allowed me to take them up on their offer which at the
time, made me look weak or boring to some. So now after graduating and
going to college out of state, succeeding and establishing myself in other circles I
start grading myself on my daily failures and accomplishments. I did this to learn
and remind myself on who I am and want to be after understanding who I was
before the daily grade. But now what really became hard in this self judgment,
justifying bias opinion of myself in rating myself, was being myself. Because being
me was more like a job and we all know, business and pleasure don't mix, but there
was no one else I trusted to judge. You see what I knew about me that no one else
did was me, and because I knew what was going on in my head, and though
someone else may not have known and I may have failed them in some way or
another, I could give myself a better grade based on my power of um, personal
persuasion, which isn't fair, but then again this is not love or war. Just life.
So here I am, rich, somewhat famous and enjoying the smell of my own sweat, trying to
be what others can not and loving it. I was so full of myself that I could have cloned a
couple more me's and did more damage, but I couldn't bare the thought of sharing. But
what was happening was that I was destroying the old me. The me that built a empire to
be proud of, and not I was allowing this item to dictate who I am, not was or really
wanted to be. It wasn't a plan or completely thought out, but the blueprint was created, I
had become and fell in love with my own monster, myself, and didn't know what to do. I
kept gaining things to only lose them, to work even harder to get them back again, just
because.