Not With Your Eyes
By ADGere
To be labeled and titled in a way that is foreign or strange to your new way of
thinking when you have been conditioned for many moments to think and live a
certain way, can sometimes if not many times be dramatic and totally out of ones
comfort zone when one actually reflects on the situation that is at hand. I say that
because as I am growing right in front of your eyes in text, I find myself doing
things I would not normally do when you blink. I don’t do it personally or to mis-
lead you or try to create something that is not a reality for some of you, but do it
for my own self selfish gratification to understand the things I have never
understood. You see I find myself constantly moving towards moments that are
totally unknown like one of my cats, and as you read my theories over and over
again, it has occurred to me that the many days in between me showcasing them,
are lost or unknown moments and memories to you that you have no idea about,
that creates the many things I write about. You know in living out many moments
most of my life, I have been living it as if it wasn’t my own. In looking back and
completely reflecting on the things I have done, haven’t done and am now
attempting to do, it is and was like watching a movie, a play or television show you
watch each and every week. You know, something that catches your attention,
having you wondering what in the hell is going to happen on this episode, and how
you would do this different or excel on the same difference in ways that are
comfortable to you. On everything I am worth, I swear to you that when I enter
into this frame of mind about what I am about to write about, it is a miracle I am
still alive, seriously. I am not discounting any of the drama anyone else has gone
through, but the things I have done, the shit I have gotten myself into and the
places I have been, could have easily been my gravesite if I would have done this
differently, or done something else a second or two faster. As you have gathered,
I have been going through some pretty drastic shit this last year, and have been
judged, praised, put down, left for dead, risen and excelled to keep sharing with
you my next moment as the ones behind me, keep laying themselves out, over
and over again in my head and on your screen. I guess you can honestly say that I
am in love with the emotional fact that I am loving life to the fullest and the
imaginary hatred that fuels me to overcome it time and time again. Maybe I am a
strong black man, a weak human being or whatever else is between that. I just
might be ignorant to what I am facing, paranoid on staying who I am, not satisfied
on what I have become or none of them at all. Whatever the case, I find it
tremendously stimulating to grow as I am now one step closer to my fate. What
has always been a fear of mind as long as I can remember is getting myself into
situations where I didn’t have a choice. That to me is so scary that I find comfort
in keeping my options open which is maybe one reason my involvement in
personal relationships never really worked out in the past. I can also say that I
have never been one to feel a need to specifically give myself to another person
because to do that, I felt I could not give all of me when part of me was
somewhere else doing God knows what. Its something I had to seriously face
when I was looking in the mirror about two years ago, and to see the reflection
looking back at me in my lavish two story home overlooking the Pacific Ocean
with all of the amenities that would make the most fabulous, famous and Robin
Leach proud, I found it empty as a water gun in the Mojave dessert and more.
Like the late great Luther Vandross croons, sings and states in one of his classic
songs, “A house is not home unless love is there”, it was then and only then, did
the dream I had once before I got slapped in the face with this reminder, that I
understood what I had became. I was emotionally sterile and solely focused on
my career, so upon this discovery I had to learn, re-evaluate and re-teach myself
and remember that to actually compromise and share in all that you are and want
to be with some one wanting, no needing the same thing, meant more to me than
what can be built or visually admired. It was both spiritually uplifting and
emotionally devastating to look into the mirror one second and see this very
cosmetically accomplish man, and in a split second later, see someone that I
used to despise and swear I would never turn into. To say I had an epiphany
would be doing a dis-service to the word and those before me that actually had
one, because this is where I think I entered into this phase of my life and I begun
living it like I have always needed to. So as you have been exploring, absorbing,
listening to the music, viewing and laughing with me in all of my theories, know
that in between me thinking about what to write, where I want to take you in my
words and then putting them down on paper, there are tears flowing in joy, pain
and within everything in between on a level that would make your tears cry.
By ADGere
To be labeled and titled in a way that is foreign or strange to your new way of
thinking when you have been conditioned for many moments to think and live a
certain way, can sometimes if not many times be dramatic and totally out of ones
comfort zone when one actually reflects on the situation that is at hand. I say that
because as I am growing right in front of your eyes in text, I find myself doing
things I would not normally do when you blink. I don’t do it personally or to mis-
lead you or try to create something that is not a reality for some of you, but do it
for my own self selfish gratification to understand the things I have never
understood. You see I find myself constantly moving towards moments that are
totally unknown like one of my cats, and as you read my theories over and over
again, it has occurred to me that the many days in between me showcasing them,
are lost or unknown moments and memories to you that you have no idea about,
that creates the many things I write about. You know in living out many moments
most of my life, I have been living it as if it wasn’t my own. In looking back and
completely reflecting on the things I have done, haven’t done and am now
attempting to do, it is and was like watching a movie, a play or television show you
watch each and every week. You know, something that catches your attention,
having you wondering what in the hell is going to happen on this episode, and how
you would do this different or excel on the same difference in ways that are
comfortable to you. On everything I am worth, I swear to you that when I enter
into this frame of mind about what I am about to write about, it is a miracle I am
still alive, seriously. I am not discounting any of the drama anyone else has gone
through, but the things I have done, the shit I have gotten myself into and the
places I have been, could have easily been my gravesite if I would have done this
differently, or done something else a second or two faster. As you have gathered,
I have been going through some pretty drastic shit this last year, and have been
judged, praised, put down, left for dead, risen and excelled to keep sharing with
you my next moment as the ones behind me, keep laying themselves out, over
and over again in my head and on your screen. I guess you can honestly say that I
am in love with the emotional fact that I am loving life to the fullest and the
imaginary hatred that fuels me to overcome it time and time again. Maybe I am a
strong black man, a weak human being or whatever else is between that. I just
might be ignorant to what I am facing, paranoid on staying who I am, not satisfied
on what I have become or none of them at all. Whatever the case, I find it
tremendously stimulating to grow as I am now one step closer to my fate. What
has always been a fear of mind as long as I can remember is getting myself into
situations where I didn’t have a choice. That to me is so scary that I find comfort
in keeping my options open which is maybe one reason my involvement in
personal relationships never really worked out in the past. I can also say that I
have never been one to feel a need to specifically give myself to another person
because to do that, I felt I could not give all of me when part of me was
somewhere else doing God knows what. Its something I had to seriously face
when I was looking in the mirror about two years ago, and to see the reflection
looking back at me in my lavish two story home overlooking the Pacific Ocean
with all of the amenities that would make the most fabulous, famous and Robin
Leach proud, I found it empty as a water gun in the Mojave dessert and more.
Like the late great Luther Vandross croons, sings and states in one of his classic
songs, “A house is not home unless love is there”, it was then and only then, did
the dream I had once before I got slapped in the face with this reminder, that I
understood what I had became. I was emotionally sterile and solely focused on
my career, so upon this discovery I had to learn, re-evaluate and re-teach myself
and remember that to actually compromise and share in all that you are and want
to be with some one wanting, no needing the same thing, meant more to me than
what can be built or visually admired. It was both spiritually uplifting and
emotionally devastating to look into the mirror one second and see this very
cosmetically accomplish man, and in a split second later, see someone that I
used to despise and swear I would never turn into. To say I had an epiphany
would be doing a dis-service to the word and those before me that actually had
one, because this is where I think I entered into this phase of my life and I begun
living it like I have always needed to. So as you have been exploring, absorbing,
listening to the music, viewing and laughing with me in all of my theories, know
that in between me thinking about what to write, where I want to take you in my
words and then putting them down on paper, there are tears flowing in joy, pain
and within everything in between on a level that would make your tears cry.
| CLICK ON PAINTING FOR LARGER VIEW |